Not As Usual

How are you holding up these days? It feels like everything is in some ways upside down, and precarious. We unfortunately live in interesting times. I’ve been thinking about the ways the world will be permanently altered, but I’m not going to muse on those here – at least not now, and not yet.

Things at our house are the same and not the same. Our older child is still young enough that she’s not terribly missing friends or school and she still wants to be with mommy and daddy all day. I’m lucky enough to be off on maternity leave for the year, so I’m not affected job wise, and babies really don’t care what is going on. There’s no time to do much other than scramble through sleepless nights and days, diapers and feedings, and dirty clothes, and spit up, and toddler tantrums. Between the two kids, we’re just trying to keep going and not be completely terrible parents even though we’re exhausted.

But there’s still always that feeling in the back of my mind that something isn’t quite right. It’s that uncanny feeling you get when you watch a horror movie. You can’t see it immediately, but you know something is not right somehow. That’s what every day feels like now.

My little bit of normal these days is still writing. It’s always been my safe space, and retreat from the world. It’s how I process my feelings and so without it I’m a complete mess. I’m not doing it to be productive – it’s self-care. It’s a few precious snatches here and there. And a few blindingly exciting ideas now and then. It’s likely terrible since I’m so sleep deprived, but it still feels necessary.

I’ve never really bought that the goal of life is to be happy all the time – but learning to find happiness even when things are shit. Baby snuggles and laughter are amazing. Those soft cheeks, and that soft hair. Bigger kids still wanting to hug you are still so welcome. There’s sunshine and spring flowers and things growing in our garden. There are recipes that turn out great (even though some flop). There are all the people stepping up and helping strangers, just because they can. Life is not all terrible – it never is.

I doubt things will be back to normal for a long time, but so far I’m still here, and you’re still there, and I’m glad you are. Stay safe and take care.