Journal

How Is It Already Fall?

September musings

I’m still here! Still alive, but very very busy. I’ve cried lots this year. The kids have cried more. Some days are good, but some days are just hard. I’m full time mom right now, and it’s exhausting. I haven’t watched any TV or movies since last year. If I’m quiet on social it’s because I don’t have the mental bandwidth to keep up with conversations and it’s very likely that someone is screaming in this house while you read this.

But it’s not all bad. I’m very lucky that I’ve been able to extend my leave from the day job into next year. Things are settling into a new schedule since Kid 1 started school. I no longer have to play roulette when choosing between “Write, eat, or shower?” The nights are getting less broken and the kids are so damn cute. I’ve read more than 120 books and counting thanks to library e-books. I <3 you librarians.

I didn’t think I’d get any writing done with a new baby, but I’ve chipped at my projects a handful of stolen minutes at a time to finish revisions on the monster book, and I’m halfway through the first draft of a new WIP. Those few minutes a day are a little bit of normalcy in my life, when nothing, even my post-baby body, feels like it’s quite right anymore.

I have no idea what’s going to happen over the next few months. I’m anxious about the future and about what will or won’t come to pass. I know I’m not the only one that feels like they’re living with a breath held in and that they’re waiting for the other shoe to drop (I really need to stop doom scrolling).

Maybe I really shouldn’t be querying in this trashfire of a year, but every query I send out feels like a message in a bottle. If I can’t go out, then at least I’m giving my dreamings a chance. Whether or not anything actually comes out of this; it’s the doing that matters to me. Hope is the only way I can keep going.

I hope you’re doing well. Honestly, if all you do this year is survive, that’s enough.

2 Comments to “How Is It Already Fall?”

  1. (Wait a minute, querying?! DM-ing you in a minute…)

    Oh hon, I HAVE BEEN THERE. In fact, I WAS there, the whole second half of 2019. I’m only now starting to feel like my head is above water most of the time. As you know, things do get better and easier, but boy does it take time…

    So proud of you for doing what you can, and letting go of what you can’t. <3

    1. Now that Kindergarten’s started its easier, but still not easy with an under 1 year old. Also, I’m REALLY not mentally cut out to be a full time housewife, no matter how much I love my kids.

      Thank you Kristan <3 *distance hugs*

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